I am prone to envy. Most of us are, I think. I don’t often veer into the territory of true jealousy, feeling hostile or bitter because someone has what I want. I truly believe there’s enough out there for all of us, and I wasn’t raised to take. I don’t want to steal your joy or your house or your organic sustainable shirt dresses…I just want them too.
I envy people who don’t forget to do things they set multiple reminders to do. I envy people with home offices to decorate. I envy people who somehow make the time for hobbies, for leisure, for baking bread from scratch more than once every few months. I envy friends who seem to be able to engage with political and industry dialog when my brain feels like shutting down. I envy friends who are completely disconnected from the world of LinkedIn and Twitter and tech industry chaos. I envy my husband for being able to wake up easily in the morning, and my kids for being able to go to bed without tasks still to do.
This ache to have is human, and it is familiar; it goes back decades. I feel it on a cellular level when I remember choosing to be sunny when I felt disappointed. It comes naturally to me now, this optimism and can-do spirit. But I can also remember the feelings of consciously deciding to be happy with what I had, training myself to see the cup half full. There’s always someone who has it worse, so you get what you get and don’t throw a fit, have an attitude of gratitude, and look for the silver linings, right?
Last week, my friend Femily started talking about envy, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.
I told her how much I loved this reframe, and she expanded her explanation:
If you feel envious that someone was invited to do a Ted Talk, that someone quit their job + launched a consulting firm, that someone wrote a book: that’s your sign. We all have different points of envy and those are tools that point us to what we personally crave and (depending on your belief system) are “called to” for a higher purpose. Listen to envy, your gut, the littler voices inside right next to the LOUD self-doubt or naysayer voices.
HELL YES. I can get down with that.
She then sent me some important differentiations. I had never thought about the difference between Jealousy and Envy before, and (outside of friends in the polyamory world) I hadn’t done much thinking about Compersion either. But I like the distinctions here, the power in taking tough feelings and channeling them into practical momentum, or even just love.
I was feeling this twinge of envy last week, looking through the offerings of some of my fellow Fractional People People. Feeling like just when I’m starting to think about a pivot, I find someone else with more experience, talking about their service with such knowledge and confidence that I suddenly find myself feeling rather small.
The confidence I felt minutes before, those “Hey! I’m good at this! And I love it! I could maybe get paid for it!” moments…well, they immediately shriveled into “oh, I’m unoriginal. I’m not creative enough, I’m not skilled enough, I should step aside and let someone with more experience do this work.”
Except.
There is not a finite amount of work. There’s enough for us all to prosper. There’s enough for us all to win. And dammit, I am good at what I do!
A dear friend of mine recently helped me through a scope of work I needed to revise based on my client’s budget. She bravely, candidly admitted that she was battling her own feelings of jealousy (or I suppose, envy) while generously, thoughtfully helping me.
And oh how I want to harness that energy. Fighting the envy that bubbles up, battling imposter syndrome for dominance, waiting for the cool confidence to prevail. And it’s hard. It’s so, so hard.
I’m feeling a touch out of touch with myself, you know? Unmoored and adrift, floating aggressively (can one float aggressively?), whipping from thought to thought, from big feeling to big feeling.
I don’t have a tidy bow to wrap this all up in. Just a glimmer of hope, the sunlight peeping through the surface that says you can hold envy and choose to activate. You can take those feelings of inadequacy and longing and turn them into change. From Envy to Compersion, onward we go.
And.
Also.
We do not have to start becoming our best selves today.
Today we can sit in the grey area that is frustration of a broken childcare economy and melancholic excitement for my daughter’s upcoming birthday. The fear of both financial instability and head lice. Longing for a home with room for an office while comforted by casual backyard dinners with friends. The deep desire for time and space that is mine alone, and the overflowing heart that comes from snuggling with my son. Wanting what is not mine to have, not yet. Simmering resentment until it bubbles over, or just turning down the flame and letting it cool.
We can attempt pure and unbridled joy in the happiness of others tomorrow.
Tonight it’s ok to just feel.